Hey Guys

I'm really sorry if your getting tired of my super journaling that I've been doing lately..I have a lot to epress, always it seems.

I've written some kinda angry journals latly, and right now i wanted to take a few minutes to reflect on how freaking awesome my life is right now. I've been thinking about how my life has changed over the past year, and Holy Crap Courtney, way to go. Yes I'm congratulatin myself, get over it A girl in my Japanese class is always like "Ugh, why do you do that?"

well quite simply I've spent a lot of time kicking my face in the dirt. I'm done with it.


Last Year I thought I'd drown without this guy holding me up.
Last Year, I thought I couldn't help anyone
Last year, i felt that I was fat, stupid, and unable to finish my degree, i was worthless academically, I had no ability to make choices, I had nothing. Sure there were good days, but it feels to me like i was drowing in the bad ones


This Year

I've been getting better grades than I ever have before (A on my English Project! B in women Studies! 80% in Japanese..and never getting below 90 on daily quizzes!)

I'm Rockin the single life, i love it. I'm living and learning and

I got a great posistion volunteering my time at a centre that I love and respect. I'm getting training, and working on bettering myself on ideals that I always believed in but could never articulate until now. I've worked with 2 people, and did a great job, and have even more learning experience to help more people. I met a new community of friends

I'm going on the adventure of a lifetime next year..traveling Thailand, Laos and japan. I have friends all over that I"m going to meet..new experiences..I'll be scuba certified by the end of it...I paid for this trip, i organized this trip, I'm taking all the steps to make sure this trip happens. It can't be taken away from me because "I wasn't good enough"


I got my Job at the Almanac back. At First i wasn't thrilled but I can really see how this is going to be good for me, but it is. I know it. I'm not involved in anything big anymore, i work 3 days a week serving, and only bartending one of those (boo, but I'll make more money serving). The Days work out well, i can still see my friends, and get all my schoolwork done. I'll be able to afford my travling.


I'm keeping up on my back fixey treatments, havn't had any stupid seizure pain in awhile^_^


working out more often, I feel like my body type is changing..which is probably bullshit. My waist feels smaller, and my shoulders feel more toned. And my ass is getting less squishy looking, thank GOD. been working out, going to try other activitie, like swimming and rock climbing.

I love my friends, and I love that they understand how busy i am now, because now its at a healthy level.



Going to get a bunch of people knocked off my X-mas list today (Oh Online Shopping <3) I've been freaked to use the credit card because I would have been unable to make p;ayments. If I get it done now, then all the money I'll make in crazy work week (right before X-mas) will go straight to traveling.

I found a really awesome thing for Jo, but I'm not sure If I wanna pay 30 shipping for something thats smaller than my ear >_< So you might end up getting something else








You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A fox trot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell

But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

i want someone who doesn't make me feel obligated to save them, someone i want to help, and know that I will be helped in return. Someone who will gently redirect my focus to where it needs to be. Someone that will dive into deep controversial issues with me, who is one a journey of self discovery. Someone who loves to explore, and knows different things than I do. Someone who will encourage me to talk about myself. Someone who will not absorb me into them, and take all that I am.

Someone that when i want to run, will grab my hand and say "where to?"

I'm looking for the other half of my heart.

Its okay if you take some time, I'll be waiting until I know its you.

Remind me to please never try to discuss my problems or issues, hell or even normal things w with my Mom ever again. i thought she was getting better, but apparently not. Nothing kills your day like saying "well all of that is your fault anyways" for something that wasn't an issue O_O Or a Problem. Funny Actually. Or listens to how you counseled someone for the first time at her new volunteer posistion, and then makes a comment about how all of that counseling stuff was a load of crap anyways. DON"T NEED IT. I know you don't believe in what I do...but I do. Isn't that something that counts?

And Yes I'll wear a low cut shirt when i work at the bar. Suck it the fuck up and deal with it. I made 200 dollars last night so F*** you <3

The bar called me in..if I hadn't been so piss poor broke i would have told them No, but as it is, I couldn't pay my car insurance for the month. So yeah, i went in. I had to put up with *that* bitch again..but its okay because if I go in again, I'm pretty damn confident in what I'm going to tell her about how she treats me and what i stand for. I don't have any patience for this horizontal hostility shit. Seriously. Y'know I got glimpses of her last night, that she might be a decent girl, if she wasn't yknow unnesicarily threatened by my existence. All i want is to be treatedwith respect. I dont' understand how most of my work relationships turn into "Okay you respect me, and I'll treat you like crap"

Basically i'm sick of it. I'm cranking up my 8 personality for this... So 2 exert control when apearing to be bent and subservient huh? well as fun as thats been, this way is a lot faster.


Also

Never Trust women when they come up and start cooing about your appearance. Never Fucking Trust them. Especially when they use the word cute. Its just other ways to cut you down to something that they don't have to feel frightened of.

Crazy Bitches. There is a certain tone to it, mark my words. and you'll know it when you hear it because they'll be smiling at you, they'll probably even repeat it a few times. But their tone will be off, and a shudder will run through you, even though you think that nothing is wrong. Listen to it, Mark it, and do everything you can to be strong and watch for bitchy undermining cuts.

A Guy puked on my floor, and some giant smushed my foot last night. I fucking hurt. At least the puker insisted on cleaning it up himself. Like fuck if I"m cleaning up puke.


I want to go out tonight,i feel like I should but at the same time I don't want to anymore. i would be happy resting and watching scary movies, eatin some sushi and watching little 3 year olds in Unicorn costumes stumble up to my door,


Ah well, still makes me stronger!

Some past events are making me slightly awkard. I hope that a certain someone can keep his mouth shut about our "history". I wasn't expecting to meet his brother again.

Also, had a heart to heart with a friend last night...this guy really keeps blowing my mind. I don't care about him romantically..but seriously i have good conversations.

For someone to kiss my hair, then kiss my hand, then leave. Its all really quite peculiar. Its nice to start to break that retarded idea that my brain has that Love=Sex/Physical affection



EDIT

Also, my Halloween night is never for sale again. worst night ever, my feet are cut up and bruised and swollen. My eyes swelled shut from some allergy bullshit. The computer crashed, I don't even know how much i made.

Last night I had the strangest dream,
I sailed away to China in a little row boat to find ya,
And you said you had to get your laundry cleaned
Didn’t want no one to hold you - what does that mean?
And you said:

Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.
Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
I’m running and I won’t touch ground, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.

You’re on the road and now you pray it lasts
The road behind was rocky, but now you’re feeling cocky.
You look at me and you see your past.
Is that the reason why you’re running so fast?
And you said:

Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.
Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
I’m running and I won’t touch ground, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.


Never let another guy like you, work me over.
Never let another guy like you, drag me under.
If I need another guy like you, I will tell him,
Never want another guy like you, have to say - hey!

Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.
Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
I’m running and I won’t touch ground, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.

Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.
Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
I’m running and I won’t touch ground, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.

And thus I commence heaving relief all over everything.

Passed my Japanese midterm. And by Pass I mean, I got a B. In order for my entire degree not to go flushing down the toilet, I need to get a B in everything. EVERYTHING.

*breathes deep sighs of relief*

I'm scared to get back to University japanese...Grant Mac Japanese is structured so un stress ful like, and less YOUR GONNA DIE SCUM. I"m getting to used to the comfy easyness of it.

I had huge amounts of projects due, and I'm more than a little pissed at myself for not finishing them sooner. FOr inststance, my creative project in English is due at 1. Its 12:27. I just finished gluing everything down.

Fuck Ko, one of these days.

Procrastination and I could write a bad romance together.

I want your loving
All you love is revenge
You and me could wtrite a bad romance

Oh
Caught in a Bad Romance



ANyways, I still finished a 9 page Paper, did a huge creative project for English, wrote a Japanese midterm and kept up with all little projects for my classes. Its an accomplishment of sorts

Got a healthy butter chicken recipe from my friend Erin, if i have time to make it today I will..I've got to finish my Halloween costume though first. First Stop: Custom Costumes and I hope they still have that vampire slaying kit because I don't know where I can get stakes if they don't have any.

2nd Stop WEM for some rather normal tight black shorts and some kind of badass black strapless top. I have the image of what i want in my head, i hope its not too expensive.


I have 300 bucks left, its not gonna last long ~_~;; Parking and Insurance come out in the beginging of november and my cell bill was 80. And thats late already. Ugh

Fuck I need a job. I found a cute Barista type job on campus for minimum wage...it'll be lame byt at least its CASH. And campus jobs are usually pretty good with schedules.

Monday Goal- Print Resumes, GET JOB!!!!


Weekend Goals-

W. Studies Readings
Write W.Studies Response Piece (3 pg)
Japanese Kanji Homework
Study Vocab for Quiz
Finish Shapeshifter
Write Moodle Post by Sunday


takin it easy <3